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来源: 加西网 | 专栏: KEY Education | 字体: 小 中 大
父母的压力或许对孩子的伤害更大
Recently, my wife and I took our daughter to her kindergarten orientation. We were amazed by how advanced these four- and five-year-olds were in their reading and writing skills: I’m pretty sure we weren’t so far along when we were in kindergarten. But the teacher shrugged it off: “Oh, yeah, they all start early now.”Her parting recommendation was that we ensure our daughter knows how to write her name by the time she starts school – a minor task, sure. But it was the first time we felt some need to apply the pressure. And, given that she hasn’t even begun her classes yet, I doubt it will be the last.
Don’t get me wrong: we value our children’s education. We want to equip them with the tools they need to succeed, whether in school or in life. We already work hard to ensure that their home environment is full of educational resources and activities, whether through books, toys, games or art supplies. We want them to be inquisitive, talented and well-rounded. But when does encouragement cross the line into parental pressure? And how much of the latter is a good thing?
It’s easy to see how some pressure can be beneficial. If it helps to keep your kids organized and on track in their studies and extra-curriculars, that’s great. But it’s important that that pressure does not come before other, more fundamental parenting responsibilities. “If a good foundation of support has been laid,” writes Dr. Paul Strickerfor the American Academy of Pediatrics, “the house of self-esteem is sturdy and not easily huffed, puffed, and blown by windy big bad wolf pressures or shaken by stormy win-loss results.”
Parents need to instill in their kids a foundational sense of self-worth. Without it, Stricker warns, kids who face pressure to succeed risk becoming defined by that activity and their ability to perform. “Adolescents who are struggling for identity among their siblings or classmates may find a unique area of improvement and accomplishment in an activity such as a certain sport, musical instrument, or artistic performance, which causes their self-confidence to blossom,” he says.
We have to ask what we really want for our kids. Do we want them to be happy? Do we want them to feel empowered, to have social lives and agency in their life decisions?
“If their identity becomes significantly associated with the sport or activity and they fail, however, their identity also can fail.”
There are, then, significant consequences to parents placing too much pressure on their kids and the expectations placed on them are too high. One recent study out of Arizona State University found that children who faced relentless pressure from their parents to succeed were twice as likely to suffer from anxiety and depression than their less-pressured peers.
Perhaps a broader issue is the fact that when parents become so focused on their kids’ achievement, their overall relationship suffers. “We can be overinvolved in the wrong things, and underinvolved in the right things,” writes parenting author Madeline Levine. In other words, a parent might attend all their kids’ games or recitals, but they’re not necessarily spending the quality time to get to know them – listening to them, joking with them, or even just eating dinner together. These might seem like small things, but they’re not: our kids need to see that we love them for who they are, not just for what they can do.
Considering these negative impacts, we need to step back and reflect upon some of us parents are pushing our kids so hard. It may be, in fact, for all the wrong reasons.
Perhaps we pressure them because we ourselves feel pressured by other parents. Or it’s because we want to live vicariously through our kids’ achievements. Or it may simply be that we fear they’ll behind the crowd if we’re not constantly pushing them to keep up. Whatever the case may be, as we fill their schedules with team practices, tutoring sessions, extra-curriculars and music lessons, we need to ask ourselves: are we doing it for them?
And ultimately, we have to ask what we really want for our kids. Do we want them to be happy? Do we want them to feel empowered, to have social lives and agency in their life decisions? Are we enabling them to find and pursue their passions? Just what is our idea of success? And is it necessarily one that is right for that child?
Most importantly, is pressuring them to perform in one area or another, in ways that they may or may not truly care to perform, the best way to help them achieve that success and happiness? Because a lot of the time, for all of these parents’ best intentions, they may not be so helpful after all.
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